The Great Call Out

Here's something that regularly gets me into a shit load of trouble. I'm not sure why I have a propensity to do this, but I'm often unable to let a 'call-out' pass me by without feeling compelled to engage it fully. Please note, for once, I'm going to have to change the details to protect the owner of the situation. You'll see why.

This morning I was reading the employment manual a friend left in my possession years ago from a retail job. She was working in a clothing store and had an 80 page handbook that went into great and terrible detail regarding her dress, habits, behaviors and benefits. This book also included a handful of copy pasta scenarios so new employees could be prepared for any and all situations the second they hit the sales floor.

I suppose this is a newer invention, coupled with the prospective role-play that now occurs in sales, but as I've been out of retail since 2001, I'm not sure how prevalent this practice is. What caught my eye, even before the scenes, was a vocabulary page of words employees should use in lieu of other words. Now I can see where someone would be a little offended for being called and "old" client instead of a "former" client but I don't think it's really so important to devote an entire page to explaining how to speak to customers without sounding like a dick.

Say the manager is in disposed, instead of busy, or God forbid, tied up. Ok, to me that's common sense, but sure, let's assume your hiring dicks and these dicks would say, tied up. (hahahah, tied up and dicks.)

There are other words of note. Always say assistant and not girl. Ok, sexism, I can get behind that. Say out of town, instead of on vacation, say continuing education instead of sales convention. Which befuddles me as I have no idea why this would ever come up, but OK, it's polite and non-descript which seems to be the basis of the vocab lesson.

Then we come to the word scarf, which is on the do NOT say list. They want you to say "neckware" instead. Now, I'll say this place is a scarf store. They specialize in scarves. Occasionally they sell jewelry, some wallets and other designer items but for the most part it's a scarf store.

Also, granted, scarf is a nasty ugly word. It's part scar and part arf and has a secondary connotation as a way of eating that's repugnant and disgusting. But you sell scarves. On the window, advertising your store it says SCARF.

Finally, in the role-play disaster fantasies detailed there is one where someone may ask for something special that is not readily available and the emergency preparedness kit o' lines requests the employee order the item and call the client. When the materiel is ready to be picked up say,

"Hello, this is (your name) at (unmentionable boutique). I am calling to let you know your scarf has arrived."

Now I've been out of work for more than a year with a back injury, so I'm probably the wrong person to discuss hiring practices or how to ace an interview. But I can say that if I were a new employee with this company or just on an interview I'd have to point this scenario out. I'd question the powers that be and politely but firmly question why they specify the language issue and then ignore it all together. If they want to be persnickety that's fine, but isn't consistency more important than anal retentiveness? At this point I'd be fired. If it was an interview I'd be un-hire-able even if I'm more experienced and more educated than any other candidate. If I had started work I'd be on the short list while my new boss bid his/her time waiting for me to step out of line and ostracized me to expedite the process.

I know this is going to happen. I know I'm going to do this. I just can't help myself. I have to point out the insanity of this book. I will have to point it out to the person who likely authored this book. I will have to take the piss right out of them. I will know it's going to get me fired. I will know the boss/author is going to hate me until I quit of give them a reason to fire me but I will open my big mouth, stretch my brain and point out their idiocy. It will happen. I'll see the look on their face and know deep inside they are so offended, so personally offended by my words they want to set fire to my hair. They won't say anything, though. They'll laugh it off and possibly mention my eye for detail, but I'll know I'm now persona non grata. In the worst case scenario I will have to listen to half hour lecture about "What I really meant when I wrote that" and the "subtle nuance of knowing which words to use and when" which will happen more often than not. I will sit with formerly nice and now defensive boss and hear them caterwaul about the handbook. I will then realize they love this book like it's their own child and HATE me for pointing out their stupidity.

I know it's coming. I just can't stop it. Maybe deep down I get a perverse joy in riling people in positions of power. Maybe, because I'm normally smarter than people in positions of power, I get a kick out of reminding them. Maybe, and this is far more likely, I just like knocking them off the pedestal on which they feel they're securely balancing. Maybe I just need to know. It seems like such a juvenile mistake that I have to hear the explanation.

I do this to my family and friends all the time. Picking apart their declarations and decisions is a favorite hobby, but rarely do I see such an impressive example to alert people to this tendency. I can only hope someone at some point calls me out and I have the balls to say "Fuck You." Which is what all those employers seem to want to say to me. To bad they don't. I probably deserve it.