Dear Spooky,
I understand you're an Alpha Male. I understand you have some serious beat down abilities and you're happy to use them regularly, but when you savagely attack my dog as she walks up the stairs, causing her to flail into me and knock me into the wall, I come close to falling and spending another year unemployed with a bad back.
Also, the kittens aren't going to hurt Lily. They aren't going to eat her face while she sleeps or set fire to her Lord of the Flies style, sacrificing her to some strange pagan God. I know you're filling her head with this nonsense and I want you to stop. There is no reason she should see them and panic, shitting on the floor in the process. It's bad enough she spends six days a week sitting up in the attic (I assume she's smoking cigarettes and writing bad poetry, repeating "I am utterly alone.") but she should be allowed some peace and quiet when she finally decides to eat.
Lastly, please understand it's seventeen degrees outside, or thereabouts. Please understand that I feel your pain and want to go outside and play, too. Please understand that beating on the door, crying hysterically and biting my feet and scratching my legs isn't a healthy expression of your cabin fever. Neither is climbing onto my dresser and making out with my window. It's not Edward Cullen and I think you need some serious help.
Love,
Erin
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
The Great Call Out
Here's something that regularly gets me into a shit load of trouble. I'm not sure why I have a propensity to do this, but I'm often unable to let a 'call-out' pass me by without feeling compelled to engage it fully. Please note, for once, I'm going to have to change the details to protect the owner of the situation. You'll see why.
This morning I was reading the employment manual a friend left in my possession years ago from a retail job. She was working in a clothing store and had an 80 page handbook that went into great and terrible detail regarding her dress, habits, behaviors and benefits. This book also included a handful of copy pasta scenarios so new employees could be prepared for any and all situations the second they hit the sales floor.
I suppose this is a newer invention, coupled with the prospective role-play that now occurs in sales, but as I've been out of retail since 2001, I'm not sure how prevalent this practice is. What caught my eye, even before the scenes, was a vocabulary page of words employees should use in lieu of other words. Now I can see where someone would be a little offended for being called and "old" client instead of a "former" client but I don't think it's really so important to devote an entire page to explaining how to speak to customers without sounding like a dick.
Say the manager is in disposed, instead of busy, or God forbid, tied up. Ok, to me that's common sense, but sure, let's assume your hiring dicks and these dicks would say, tied up. (hahahah, tied up and dicks.)
There are other words of note. Always say assistant and not girl. Ok, sexism, I can get behind that. Say out of town, instead of on vacation, say continuing education instead of sales convention. Which befuddles me as I have no idea why this would ever come up, but OK, it's polite and non-descript which seems to be the basis of the vocab lesson.
Then we come to the word scarf, which is on the do NOT say list. They want you to say "neckware" instead. Now, I'll say this place is a scarf store. They specialize in scarves. Occasionally they sell jewelry, some wallets and other designer items but for the most part it's a scarf store.
Also, granted, scarf is a nasty ugly word. It's part scar and part arf and has a secondary connotation as a way of eating that's repugnant and disgusting. But you sell scarves. On the window, advertising your store it says SCARF.
Finally, in the role-play disaster fantasies detailed there is one where someone may ask for something special that is not readily available and the emergency preparedness kit o' lines requests the employee order the item and call the client. When the materiel is ready to be picked up say,
"Hello, this is (your name) at (unmentionable boutique). I am calling to let you know your scarf has arrived."
Now I've been out of work for more than a year with a back injury, so I'm probably the wrong person to discuss hiring practices or how to ace an interview. But I can say that if I were a new employee with this company or just on an interview I'd have to point this scenario out. I'd question the powers that be and politely but firmly question why they specify the language issue and then ignore it all together. If they want to be persnickety that's fine, but isn't consistency more important than anal retentiveness? At this point I'd be fired. If it was an interview I'd be un-hire-able even if I'm more experienced and more educated than any other candidate. If I had started work I'd be on the short list while my new boss bid his/her time waiting for me to step out of line and ostracized me to expedite the process.
I know this is going to happen. I know I'm going to do this. I just can't help myself. I have to point out the insanity of this book. I will have to point it out to the person who likely authored this book. I will have to take the piss right out of them. I will know it's going to get me fired. I will know the boss/author is going to hate me until I quit of give them a reason to fire me but I will open my big mouth, stretch my brain and point out their idiocy. It will happen. I'll see the look on their face and know deep inside they are so offended, so personally offended by my words they want to set fire to my hair. They won't say anything, though. They'll laugh it off and possibly mention my eye for detail, but I'll know I'm now persona non grata. In the worst case scenario I will have to listen to half hour lecture about "What I really meant when I wrote that" and the "subtle nuance of knowing which words to use and when" which will happen more often than not. I will sit with formerly nice and now defensive boss and hear them caterwaul about the handbook. I will then realize they love this book like it's their own child and HATE me for pointing out their stupidity.
I know it's coming. I just can't stop it. Maybe deep down I get a perverse joy in riling people in positions of power. Maybe, because I'm normally smarter than people in positions of power, I get a kick out of reminding them. Maybe, and this is far more likely, I just like knocking them off the pedestal on which they feel they're securely balancing. Maybe I just need to know. It seems like such a juvenile mistake that I have to hear the explanation.
I do this to my family and friends all the time. Picking apart their declarations and decisions is a favorite hobby, but rarely do I see such an impressive example to alert people to this tendency. I can only hope someone at some point calls me out and I have the balls to say "Fuck You." Which is what all those employers seem to want to say to me. To bad they don't. I probably deserve it.
This morning I was reading the employment manual a friend left in my possession years ago from a retail job. She was working in a clothing store and had an 80 page handbook that went into great and terrible detail regarding her dress, habits, behaviors and benefits. This book also included a handful of copy pasta scenarios so new employees could be prepared for any and all situations the second they hit the sales floor.
I suppose this is a newer invention, coupled with the prospective role-play that now occurs in sales, but as I've been out of retail since 2001, I'm not sure how prevalent this practice is. What caught my eye, even before the scenes, was a vocabulary page of words employees should use in lieu of other words. Now I can see where someone would be a little offended for being called and "old" client instead of a "former" client but I don't think it's really so important to devote an entire page to explaining how to speak to customers without sounding like a dick.
Say the manager is in disposed, instead of busy, or God forbid, tied up. Ok, to me that's common sense, but sure, let's assume your hiring dicks and these dicks would say, tied up. (hahahah, tied up and dicks.)
There are other words of note. Always say assistant and not girl. Ok, sexism, I can get behind that. Say out of town, instead of on vacation, say continuing education instead of sales convention. Which befuddles me as I have no idea why this would ever come up, but OK, it's polite and non-descript which seems to be the basis of the vocab lesson.
Then we come to the word scarf, which is on the do NOT say list. They want you to say "neckware" instead. Now, I'll say this place is a scarf store. They specialize in scarves. Occasionally they sell jewelry, some wallets and other designer items but for the most part it's a scarf store.
Also, granted, scarf is a nasty ugly word. It's part scar and part arf and has a secondary connotation as a way of eating that's repugnant and disgusting. But you sell scarves. On the window, advertising your store it says SCARF.
Finally, in the role-play disaster fantasies detailed there is one where someone may ask for something special that is not readily available and the emergency preparedness kit o' lines requests the employee order the item and call the client. When the materiel is ready to be picked up say,
"Hello, this is (your name) at (unmentionable boutique). I am calling to let you know your scarf has arrived."
Now I've been out of work for more than a year with a back injury, so I'm probably the wrong person to discuss hiring practices or how to ace an interview. But I can say that if I were a new employee with this company or just on an interview I'd have to point this scenario out. I'd question the powers that be and politely but firmly question why they specify the language issue and then ignore it all together. If they want to be persnickety that's fine, but isn't consistency more important than anal retentiveness? At this point I'd be fired. If it was an interview I'd be un-hire-able even if I'm more experienced and more educated than any other candidate. If I had started work I'd be on the short list while my new boss bid his/her time waiting for me to step out of line and ostracized me to expedite the process.
I know this is going to happen. I know I'm going to do this. I just can't help myself. I have to point out the insanity of this book. I will have to point it out to the person who likely authored this book. I will have to take the piss right out of them. I will know it's going to get me fired. I will know the boss/author is going to hate me until I quit of give them a reason to fire me but I will open my big mouth, stretch my brain and point out their idiocy. It will happen. I'll see the look on their face and know deep inside they are so offended, so personally offended by my words they want to set fire to my hair. They won't say anything, though. They'll laugh it off and possibly mention my eye for detail, but I'll know I'm now persona non grata. In the worst case scenario I will have to listen to half hour lecture about "What I really meant when I wrote that" and the "subtle nuance of knowing which words to use and when" which will happen more often than not. I will sit with formerly nice and now defensive boss and hear them caterwaul about the handbook. I will then realize they love this book like it's their own child and HATE me for pointing out their stupidity.
I know it's coming. I just can't stop it. Maybe deep down I get a perverse joy in riling people in positions of power. Maybe, because I'm normally smarter than people in positions of power, I get a kick out of reminding them. Maybe, and this is far more likely, I just like knocking them off the pedestal on which they feel they're securely balancing. Maybe I just need to know. It seems like such a juvenile mistake that I have to hear the explanation.
I do this to my family and friends all the time. Picking apart their declarations and decisions is a favorite hobby, but rarely do I see such an impressive example to alert people to this tendency. I can only hope someone at some point calls me out and I have the balls to say "Fuck You." Which is what all those employers seem to want to say to me. To bad they don't. I probably deserve it.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Bringin' the Unfunny...
OK, here's my issue and any help would be wonderful. How in the world do I switch the email for this blog to my new GMAIL account? I'm running into problems because my old email is also a GMAIL account. I understand you can only have one google account linked at a time, however, I don't really want two accounts to maintain at once. I'm also stuck with two gmail interfaces, calendars, profiles and um, buzz's. So with the advent of Google wave, I took another gmail and sat on it, using it for just personal email and from there, linking everything back to that to avoid any spam. My facebook and other sites of the like are linked to the old email, which I use on occasion, but I want to make the haul over to my new email sorta seamless and I don't see how that's possible.
Shit.
Shit.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Reading List
Since I've been off work for a year now, I've spent the better part of my time reading. They say you can't write in a vaccuum, so as I fancy myself a writer (not an author, because authors are published) I decided to read everything I can get my hands on.
In this last year I've read more than 100 books. I know, I can't believe it either. Granted some were re-reads and some were non-fiction because I decided to teach myself to read Latin, but all total, there are 100 books lodged into my brain. Here they are, in no particular order.
The complete (to-date) Southern Vampire Series (Sookie Stackhouse / True Blood)
The complete (to-date) Dark Hunter Series (started with Acheron, whom I heart wholeheartedly)
The complete Twilight series. (A re-read as I still do not get it...)
The complete Shadow Hunter Books. AKA Mortal Instruments. Worth the read if you aren't squicked out by some implied incest that isn't incest. If she writes Simon's book next I'll send her a cookie.
Everything by Jen Lancaster. EVERYTHING. Seriously, if you haven't read her books you're missing out on the cupcake of memoirs. It's really amazing, funny, at times sweet and completely addictive. I have a crush on her. I don't care who knows it. She's from Chicago, she's fat and she's mean and she married an Indiana man. Basically, I've found my adoptive big sister.)
Everything by Laurie Notaro. Her first book The Idiot Girls Action Adventure club was one of the first chick-lit comedy memoirs I read and it spring boarded my current obsession with Jen Lancaster. Laurie and Jen go hand in hand.
Plenty Enough Suck to go around - humor memoir about Hurricane Katrina, which is an oxymoron (and as a Katrina Survivor I SHOULD KNOW) the book isn't funny. I don't recommend it.
The Lace Reader by Brunonia Barry, // The Broken Teaglass by Emily Arsenalt. Good solid fiction.
Wings - I have nothing to say about this. It read like REALLY young fiction. 3-5th grade. Cute, but totally pointless.
Wicked Lovely by Melissa Marr. Good until the end where she races to a finish without giving me a clear description. Here's my rule. When I buy a book solely because it has THE MOST BEAUTIFUL COVER IN HISTORY the book better read with the detail of that cover. Really, I'm planning my wedding around that cover. IT"S THAT PRETTY.
The complete works of Paolo Coehlo. He wrote the Alchemist and his books make me want to be a better, more complete and nicer person. I want to be more metaphysical and his book Brida made me go to the crazy lady who owns a metaphysical bookstore in my town and buy a bunch of stuff on how to be more metaphysically aware. I failed, but his books amaze. (Except the new one, a novel called A Winner Stands Alone. I've renamed it, A book preaches itself right out my window.) However, the Witch of Portabello should be required reading in every school everywhere.
The Lost Symbol. Which lead me to read everything I can on the intention experimentations and the complete works of Dan Brown. Which lead me to reread the book Holy Blood Holy Grail. Now I have to read Margaret George's Mary of Magdala. Just as soon as I finish M.G.'s Helen of Troy, which I started because of the fantastic Acheron.
The first 3 Percy Jackson and the Olympian books. I'll read the last two, I promise, but I can't help be re read Harry Potter in it's entirety. Percy tries to follow the literary footsteps but fails and it's not his fault. Perhaps Rowling did sell her soul for those books. They still hold my heart.
Throw in a few Koontz books here and there, which I polish off in an afternoon. Face and Shadowfires come to mind. It's nothing new, just stuff my mom had laying around.
I read Merrick by Anne Rice and her Jesus book, Out of Egypt. I have Angel Time but my mom is reading that first.
I read Rant, Snuff, Pygmy and Fight club for the nth time.
Finally, I reread Lamb by Christopher Moore around Christmas. I read this book about four times a year and it never fails to delight me.
That's all that comes to mind as of now. I'm sure more will pop up.
If I'm missing out on anything you demand I pick up, please let me know!!!
~E
First and foremost.
I've already got a blog that I don't want the world to read, so I've taken to writing here in the silly hopes the people I disparage and rant against in my other blog will visit my writing and not try to kill me.
A bit more? I'm an average nut-case writer girl who finds her life hysterical and says mean things to people because it makes her mom laugh. I don't think I've ever met anyone I haven't fought with or had a vendetta against. It's just how I'm wired. Granted I do better with righteous indignation, but I'm not bad at flat out bitchy meanness when it comes to my nearest and dearest.
Deep down I just want to teach people a lesson.
Mostly, I'm just writing a public blog so I can stop cryptic ranting and learn to call out publicly the people I'm discussing.
I live in Chicago and want to move south. I have a home in Waveland and wish I could go back there, but that's looking impossible with the job market in it's current state of flushing.
My fiancee is an out of work firefighter who just bothers me all day to cuddle with him. I have a really bad back and a sick sense of humor.
My name is Erin and for a while I tried to be an alcoholic.
Welcome.
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